I'm Trying To Stop Blaming Myself

I’ve noticed a trend in my thinking lately where I try to act perfectly to keep myself as healthy as I can. Then if I get sick, whether I’m to blame or not, I blame myself. For instance if I get a digestive problem I get so upset at myself that I make myself scared to eat most foods, assuming (usually incorrectly) that I must have eaten something I’m newly allergic to. I’m already the safest eater I know, so the idea of scaling back my diet further is not only silly but also probably dysfunctional. 

I also find myself engaging in self blame if I happen to overdo it physically. Say I take a walk and then my body crashes afterwards. I get angry at myself for not knowing better, even though in the days prior I was able to take that same walk without problems. Somehow I should have known that this time it would be too much for me. I expect perfection from myself and when I prove to not be perfect (shocker!) I beat myself up over it mentally.

I think the thought process goes: If acting in certain ways can help me to feel better then if I feel badly it must be because I acted wrong. It super oversimplifies an extremely complex set of conditions and symptoms. If chronic illness could be cured by acting differently, none of us would still be sick.

The reality of this is that chronic illnesses can be pretty unpredictable sometimes. That is why they are considered Dynamic Disabilities, because they can change from day to day. I can “do everything right” and still not feel good. And the habit of assuming that if I don’t feel good it means I did something wrong is not helping me. In fact, I’m causing more suffering in the form of mental suffering when I’m already suffering physically. 

I don’t have a solution for this problem yet beyond reminding myself that no one is perfect and that chronic illnesses are complex. But I plan to keep working on it.