My Symptoms Are Not My Fault

I’ve had trouble posting about this because when I look back on my writings from headache/migraine days it always feels rather dramatic. It doesn’t sound grounded to me and so I’m not inclined to put it out there into the world. I’m reminding myself that (a) my brain isn’t working well in those situation so it’s understandable that it feels overly dramatic, (b) my feelings are still valid on those days, and (c) my overly dramatic feelings may still be helpful for others to hear about, my friends may relate to those feelings and therefore they are worthwhile to say.

A bit over 2 years ago I was rear ended on my morning commute. I experienced some initial whiplash and it never fully got better. Then about 5 months ago I re-aggravated it somehow. Since then I’ve been having near daily headaches and neck pain. Over the past 5 months I’ve been finding different things that can help my headaches be less severe. That’s a good thing overall but I’ve noticed myself falling into a trap fairly often: the idea that since there are things that I can do to help, then if I have symptoms it means I screwed up and it’s my fault.

It took me awhile to see that trap. Eventually I realized that what I was doing is a form of victim blaming. I’m not causing my neck pain or headaches by not being perfect. I would have symptoms often even if I did do everything perfectly.

In addition to my whiplash related headaches I also experience occasional migraines. These seem to be linked to my menstrual cycle but there are other factors that can impact them as well. The weather can impact the frequency and severity of migraines as well as the foods I eat in the days leading up to a migraine. I avoid those foods when I’m at the most likely part in my cycle for having migraines but it’s too restrictive of a diet to do all of the time. Since my diet can help it’s easy to feel like my migraines are my fault, if I had just eaten differently maybe this wouldn’t be happening. What that does, though, is it takes helpful information and turns it into something harmful. I have enough challenges in my life with chronic illness without putting more on myself in the form of unfair self blame.

This struggle is made worse by the fact that migraines and daily headaches and neck pain often cause an increase in my depression. So now I’m in physical pain as well as psychological pain. And then, as if that’s not enough, I have to avoid some of my best coping mechanisms because they will further aggravate my headaches. Going out in sunlight in a migraine is torture, screens tend to make headaches worse so television and games on my phone are out as distractions, focusing on reading books is hard in that state. So I end up laying in bed totally stuck in my own head with very few distractions, and very little focus for the distractions I can use. It’s like a practice drill for my worst days with mental illness. I’m all alone with my inner monologue to sink or swim.

All things considered I’m doing pretty well. I am finding more and more things to ease my symptoms and I am practicing being kind to myself. I also understand that on the really bad days all I need to do is live through it. I don’t know if any of these feelings with hit home with my friends but if they do, please know that I’m right there with you. Thanks for being there for me.