Some Thoughts on Grief

In some ways I feel like grief has been my constant companion through life. Which is not to say that I have had a bad life, but grief is the way we move through change and I do think I can confidently say that my life has had many unexpected changes. When I was 10 my older brother died, less than a year after that an aunt died. In my teen years I lost two cousins to car accidents and two of my dad's best friends died, one fighting ALS and the other cancer. In my college years I grieved the loss of my mental health, and in the years immediately after college I grieved the loss of my physical health. A month before my wedding a childhood friend died of SUDEP. In more recent years one of my favorite high school teachers and my spiritual mentor died, both very suddenly. Now I’ve been plunged right back into grief again with the loss of a family member by suicide.

I don’t mean this as some sort of weird brag, but having lost so many people throughout my formative years I do feel that I have some useful skills in the area of grief. That doesn’t make it any less painful but I have been able to avoid a lot of the mental traps some people experience with the death of a loved one. Since I know what to expect from grief I’m not worried about it when I experience things like anger or when a very dark joke makes me laugh. As much as I wish I could change what happened, I'm not falling for it when my brain tries to tell me that I should have...could have...done something different. And I know not to shy away from the sadness and hurt. The only way to move forward is to feel the grief.

All that being said, this sucks. No two ways about it. It just sucks. I’m at the point right now that my mental health wants to be surrounded by friends and family but my physical health is really suffering from all the additional activity. To give my body the rest it needs I’ll have to face being alone with less structure and less readily available distractions. The only bright spot in this whole mess has been the time we’ve been able to spend with friends and family and now I have to set that aside to take care of my physical needs.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how very life changing these types of things can be. When you lose someone close to you, it literally requires you to become a new person. Or maybe a better way to say that is that it requires you to become a new version of yourself. We are all constantly changing as people but this is a catalyst. And frankly I’m a bit tired of the work of reinvention.

When I heard what had happened I was alone at home. I called a friend and just cried on the phone with her for a while. In the next few hours and days I found myself trying to take care of my husband (who was also trying to take care of me). Meanwhile my friend was taking care of us in many ways. Coordinating food and sitting with us when we just needed company. Unbeknownst to me, her brother was taking care of her during that time. That’s just one small example but it made me imagine this web of care that sprang up around us instantly. With each of us caring for the people we could, and each of us accepting care from others. That web of care was a good and beautiful thing to witness and I am so grateful for it.

I don’t have any wise words to end this post with. Maybe in the future I’ll have something more profound to say, but for now I’m just here, grieving this loss, and getting through each day. To our community and family Eric and I want to say a profound THANK YOU for all the ways you have supported us in this time. You are all wonderful and we are so lucky to have you in our lives.