When Anorexia Tries To Creep Back In

Around the time I was in college I struggled with anorexia. It took me about a year to acknowledge what was what was going on in the first place. It was another 2-3 years of working towards recovery before I really got to a place where I felt confident I could stay healthy. So, all said, my active struggle with anorexia was about 4 years long. I don’t say I’ve recovered. Recovered implies a certain finality that I don’t feel. I will often say that I’m ‘doing well with it,’ or maybe that I am ‘in recovery’ from it. At this point in my life I have good habits that keep me eating, plenty of people who are aware of my past that can keep an eye on me if I need that, and a much kinder inner monologue than I had when I was younger. But despite having those things in place I still have to choose to take care of myself regularly.

This has come up again recently. When I first became disabled from my chronic illnesses 4 years ago I gained about 40 lbs. Even with those 40 lbs I wasn’t all that overweight and most of my doctors were not overly concerned. But over the past few years as I’ve been able to be more active through better medications and coping methods for my chronic illnesses I have slowly lost some of that weight. Then for no reason I can figure out my body decided it didn’t want processed sugars anymore. I can get away with a little but I’ve been significantly cutting down my processed sugar intake all while being more active than I have been in years, it’s no wonder I’ve been losing weight. Also both of those reasons are objectively good and healthy. Most people should probably eat less processed sugars and being active is incredibly important to overall health.

Despite the objective healthfulness of my circumstances there was still a tiny part of me that loved watching those numbers go down on the scale. That part of me is not driving, and that’s key, but it’s still there. So I employed some safety nets, just to be sure. I told my husband and a friend about that little part of me that liked losing weight and I’ve made sure my weight is being monitored at doctors visits. I’ve also been examining my thoughts and working through them again. Making sure that I’m kind to myself and that I value being healthy over looking thin. Making sure that I’m getting enough calories by spot checking a day here or there. It’s important that I do not start counting calories all the time because that’s just another way to take anxious control over my eating, something I already know I am prone to do.

I still think I’m doing well, I’m not in danger of falling over the cliff on this one. But it serves as a good reminder that I need to continue choosing to take care of myself each day. Some days that’s very easy, some days it’s more challenging. I’m so grateful for the support systems I have, my friends and family that give me a leg up on the harder days and the habits I’ve learned over the years. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, find a good counselor, talk to your family and friends, talk with your doctors and make a plan. There are some good resources here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/where-do-i-start-0