What My Anxiety Feels Like

I’ve written about depression much more often on this blog than I have anxiety. I think that’s because my anxiety has always felt more distressing to me, so I’ve been reluctant to dive into how it feels. To write about something I have to revisit it, which is something I’m generally willing to do. But anxiety has felt different. It’s hard to relive that. But writing about everything else has been hugely beneficial to me personally and I think it has made some readers feel less alone, so I think that if I can write about anxiety, I should.

So what does anxiety feel like to me? It’s a question with multiple answers. My anxiety has a wide range of presentations. Some days I live a fairly normal life, only making minor adjustments to appease my anxiety in ways that most people don’t even notice. Other times I’m totally consumed by my anxiety and I can’t function at all. And everywhere in between those two extremes. I think I’ll start at the low end and work my way up.

There are parts of my anxiety that I never really escape from. Things that are always there in the back of my mind. On my good days these things take only a little energy to manage. Some examples of this would be my consciousness of germs. If you’ve ever seen a video of how germs are spread where they use a black light to demonstrate how they can get everywhere very quickly, that’s how I’m always viewing germs. I see someone at a party wipe their nose with their hand and then touch a door knob. Someone else touches that door knob and then reaches into a communal bowl of chips. Someone in the kitchen lifts the lid of the garbage can with their hand and then doesn’t wash it before going back to food prep. I notice all of that. On my good days I can remind myself that we all have immune systems and that we are perfectly capable of fighting off a whole host of germs. On my good days I’ll still eat the food at that party. I’ll still touch a surface that I know is dirty, and at worst I’ll use some hand sanitizer when no one is looking.

But when I’m not at my best these things become impossible to cope with. When my anxiety is a bit on the high side but not yet to the stage where I can’t function at all, a party like that would take all my anxiety coping skills to get through. I wouldn’t eat any of the food unless I knew all the steps of how it came to be there. Even then I would only eat it if I was one of the first people to get to it so no one else's germ covered hands touched it first. I would go to the kitchen and wash my hands often after touching most any communal surfaces. If I’m good friends with the people involved I might ask them to wash their hands in certain circumstances. I’m blessed with a really lovely community that understands that this is a problem for me and is compassionate when I’m struggling. I’ve often said that my husband shows me his love by washing his hands even when he doesn’t think he needs to.

And then there are the times when I simply cannot function at all due to my anxiety. These episodes are truly debilitating. I’ve had five of these episodes over the past 15 years. They last anywhere from 1-3 months and while they are happening I am wholly reliant on my community to help me get through. These episodes feel like a panic attack that just never ends. I have had regular panic attacks before. Those generally last a few hours at most. But these episodes just never seem to end. I feel like I can’t take a full breath for months. My hands shake for months. I cry for months. My heart races and I’m nauseous for months. I feel like I’m losing my mind for months. Honestly it’s terrible. Looking back on these episodes I’m honestly not sure how I’ve gotten through them.

This is a pretty brief description of how my anxiety feels at different times. It doesn’t fit neatly into the 3 categories I’ve made up for this post but having a structure helps me to talk about it. I didn’t get into my coping mechanisms or my experiences trying to find medications to help with anxiety. I’m hoping to write more about all of that eventually, but for now this is what I was able to do. If you or someone you love is experiencing anxiety I encourage you to reach out and ask for help. Ask your primary care physician or find a counselor. Even just talking to friends who have experienced anxiety can be helpful. Don’t suffer alone.